Issue No. 16: Birthday Reflections - 20 Things for Life In My 40s
The most powerful things that have changed my life
Last weekend, I turned 41 🍰
My birthday was on a Thursday so both of us were working but we had a sweet, little breakfast of warm, toasted banana bread with chai (it’s one of my favorite breakfasts). And the rest of the day was made so special with the doorbell ringing throughout; small surprises from a few of my closest friends. Some had sent flowers, some small thoughtful gifts. Later another friend came over for more chai. And then over the weekend, we went for a mini road trip, Nabeel cooked some delicious biryani for dinner and we did some other small, random things.
It was a good day, a good weekend ☼
You know, shifting into my 40s has been one of the most joyous experiences of my life because I have truly never felt more like myself than now. I didn’t want to write something about it as soon as I turned 40 last year, I wanted to spend some time knowing it myself first. And now that I’ve spent a year being in this new decade of life, I think I want to share some things that I really believe have brought me to me.
I was talking this with a friend just yesterday. I feel like by this time I’ve understood a lot of the things that I was still learning in my 30s. Setting boundaries, balancing work and life, prioritizing relationships, these are things that are now clear to me and I don’t struggle with them conceptually.
So, when I was writing this, I wanted to make a list of things that I don't see very commonly and that speaks to me more at this age. I’ve found myself gravitating so much more towards the softer parts of life and to be someone that I am at peace with.
And so, in no particular order, I wrote down the realisations, reflections, belief systems, whatever you’d like to call them, that I’m holding close to live the vision that I have for myself today.
I’ll leave a small note here that I understand conversations around aging are grounded in privilege and nuance because some people can have medical & health challenges that impact their experience of aging in ways that aren’t similar to others. If you feel that way, all my love to you.
Anyway, shall we begin?
1. CHOOSING WHO YOU WANT TO BE
You know something that I hear a lot is, “You’re so kind, Shehzeen. You seem so safe”.
I feel really grateful that I can be seen that way. But I think a lot of people think that being kind or soft is something that you just are.
I spent my 30s thinking a lot about what do I want my attitude in life to be? How do I want to carry myself through it?
And a very clear aspiration and hope for me was to be gentle in life.
I think being kind, being gentle are actually one of the hardest things to do. Because despite your best intentions, the world at large can still be very unkind. And as you go about your day, your life, you continue to come across several unkind & harsh behaviors. And each time someone chooses to be unpleasant, in that moment you get to choose who you want to be.
This is my belief: People choose to be kind and they choose to be unkind.
In personal interactions, your workplace, with family, friends, strangers on the road, strangers on the internet, in online conversations, DMs, comments, publicly, anonymously.
These are behaviors and practices that are selected every single day when we wake up and that is the person we face in the mirror each night. And whatever we continue to practice day on day, is what becomes our identity and the legacy of our life.
And today, I am very clear on who I want to be and what I want my legacy to look like.
And even though a lot of times gentleness can often be confused be with weakness because you generally see “strong” represented by aggression or being forceful – I think for me personally the idea of strength is having a strong, robust inside while preserving a softness outside. There is a beautiful tender quality that we all come into this world with and I always want to protect that. While using my experiences in life to strengthen my core to face whatever I need to in life.
2. NOT BEING BITTER
And while we’re on that topic….
I think you can’t make it to your 40s without having experienced some form of heartbreak or disappointments, betrayals, letdowns. I’ve had failed relationships, lost friendships, lived with unemployment, missed opportunities that I thought I deserved…the works.
And experiencing all of that in today’s world where cynicism is almost a currency and you see people being skeptical about everybody and everything, I think if you’re not careful, you can easily slip into becoming someone whose identity is being bitter.
I decided a long time ago that I would not let other people and unpleasant experiences distort my value set. I decided that I will not be someone who is bitter.
A bad friendship will not change who I want to be as a friend. A bad relationship will not change how I want to give & accept love. A bitter experience will not make me live a bitter life.
There is a glorification in our world today of an “I don’t care” attitude. “I don’t care what someone thinks”, “I don’t care what doing this makes them feel”. I know a lot of it is because of our defense mechanisms when people behave poorly with us, and I too have felt the same at some point in time, but I’ve also realized that internal, personal dialogue is so important. It shapes who we become.
If we move through life with “I don’t care” as our leading mindset, it slowly strips us of our softer qualities.
“I care for the people and things that matter”, this line means the same thing but also saves you from who you don’t want to be.
3. CREATE A VISION OF THE 70-YEAR OLD YOU
Live your life for the 70 or 80 year old you.
Is your 70 year version truthful? Sincere? What did he/she spend their life doing? What was the majority of their time dedicated to? Did they hurt others? Were they kind to their own self? Did they eat well, move enough? Did they spend abundant time with their loved ones? What did they do online? What did they read or browse through or comment?
Who is he or she and is your life today, your actions today, taking you to that person?
Whatever you’re busy with right now, are the things the 70-year old you will be regretful of or grateful for.
4. UNDERSTANDING THE IDEA OF BEAUTY
When I was younger a lot of my life choices were around a belief that I think many of us were passively taught for years; that women need to be desired, to be attractive.
And now in my 40s I’ve reached the conclusion that your single most attractive quality